


Tension and Trust

by trilliath



Series: Barriers and Boredom [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Fight Scenes, Light Bondage, M/M, Masturbation, Renegade!Shepard, Rough Sex, Sex Toys, Voyeurism, semi-exhibitionism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-11
Updated: 2012-11-11
Packaged: 2017-11-18 10:01:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/559745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trilliath/pseuds/trilliath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Part two of the Barriers and Boredom series takes a look back at how Kaidan and Shepard got to where they were in Barriers and Boredom.<br/>In Tension and Trust, Kaidan's just re-joined the Normandy, but he's not sure where things stand between him and Shepard. And though they have a… history, Commander Shepard isn't the man he once knew. Then again, Kaidan's no longer a fresh-faced lieutenant either.<br/><i>He hadn't been back aboard the Normandy for more than half an hour when Shepard cornered him crew quarters.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

>  
> 
> Art by the absolutely awesome [Mintsui](http://mintsui.tumblr.com). [Art master post](http://mintsui.tumblr.com/post/35501785610/art-based-on-and-created-for-trilliaths-three-hit).  
> This is the first of two fics written for the [Mass Effect Big Bang 2012](http://mebigbang.livejournal.com/). They are the prequel Tension and Trust, and the sequel [Rest and Reviction](http://archiveofourown.org/works/559840/chapters/999306).  
> This is the **second** part in a series. Go here for the first part: [Barriers and Boredom](http://archiveofourown.org/works/418322/chapters/695859).
> 
>  
> 
> This story also has a **playlist!** The song cues for each chapter will be in the note at the top.  
>  Downloaded here: [Playlist Tumblr Post](http://trilliath.tumblr.com/post/35488860174/oops-i-also-did-a-fanmix-to-go-with-my-story)  
> Chapter 1:  
> 1: Historypeats, Mad at Gravity  
> 2: Fragile Tension, Depeche Mode
> 
>  
> 
>  

He hadn't been back aboard the Normandy for more than half an hour when Shepard cornered him crew quarters. He'd been putting away a spare uniform and getting ready to take his duffel with his armor and weapons to the armory when Shepard had walked in, coming to stand near the end of the bunk Kaidan had claimed, standing with his hands folded at the small of his back, shoulders relaxed, feet slightly apart. His face had been neutral, maybe a bit narrowed as he'd gazed at the uniform in Kaidan's hands.

"You're bunking here?" Shepard asked, frowning.

Kaidan paused, setting down his folded uniform on the bed.  
"I, ah, didn't realize there were other… options," he said quietly, setting the folded cloth on the pristine bunk and facing Shepard slowly. He itched to cross his arms but he left them at his side, brushing his thumb absently over the seam down the thigh of his trousers.

Shepard didn't respond for a moment. He just gazed at Kaidan, calculating. Kaidan looked back, not past a little defiance in the set of his jaw. So maybe he had considered the possibility, but... Shepard's eyes narrowed slightly at whatever he must have seen on Kaidan's face. Then abruptly he eased out of his stance and slipped around the end of the bunk and right into Kaidan's personal space.

Kaidan turned with him and Shepard moved in even closer, pushing him with his presence until Kaidan's back was to the bunk, Shepard's hips just inches away from his as he gazed at the other marine.

"This isn't Horizon, Kaidan. We're way past that now. What sort of bullshit is that?" Shepard demanded in a low voice. Kaidan watched his eyes dart over his expression, saw him take in the way his brows drew together in annoyance.

"It's not like I've been given an invitation," Kaidan murmured, voice tight. "And how was I supposed to know you hadn't already filled the _position_ , commander? After all, you and the lieutenant seemed quite... chummy back on Earth. 

"Maybe I didn't think you'd still be interested," he added, flicking his chin to the side in a surly manner. He tried to take his eyes off Shepard's, really he did. He just, couldn't. He never could.

Shepard's eyes narrowed at Kaidan's curt response and he pursed his lips, face drawing closed.  
And Kaidan hated that, the way Shepard could always push his buttons, bring him to the sharper side of his personality. The side that could lash out. The side that could kill a turian commander with the power of his mind just for breaking a girl's arm. The fact that Shepard, unlike almost everyone and everything else, could make him lose his control.

But Shepard was no wilting violet. Hell, he seemed to like the knife edge of Kaidan's angry tongue. A point he put into clear demonstration by gripping Kaidan's wrist hard and dragging the major's palm over to his crotch. He pressed it tight, forcing Kaidan to grope his tightening dick where it strained against the material.

"Well then. You have my answer," Shepard said quietly.

Kaidan glared at him, nostrils flaring as he fought the spiral of excitement and odd relief that rushed through him. They were close enough that part of him desperately wanted him to jerk his head forward and cover the commander's mouth with his own. Part of him, the part of him that had seriously considered Hackett's offer, had him wishing he'd get his head together and shove the commander back, drawing some boundaries.

Then, slowly, the commander reached forward and put his palm over the corresponding bulge in Kaidan's trousers, stroking it with aching slowness. And it _was_ a bulge, not just a normal male-shaped flaccid bump. He was not unaffected. No, he could never be unaffected where Shepard was concerned.  
Shepard sucked a tight breath between his teeth as he touched him, leaning hard into the edge of Kaidan's hand on his cock.

The door to quarters whooshed open and two crewmembers walked in, the light from the corridor spilling abruptly into the room. They were talking to each other, heading for their lockers or bunks on the other side of the room, not attending to the two men in the corner. Still, Kaidan blushed hotly.  
Shepard didn't even react except to nonchalantly drop his hand from Kaidan's wrist and step back. And then Shepard turned and left him, without another word or a backward glance.

He hadn't even asked for Kaidan's reply - _not that he needed any_ , Kaidan thought almost bitterly as he adjusted his trousers and grabbed his things off the bunk and headed for the elevator. It _was_ obvious, after all.

 

He gave himself the two-bit tour of Shepard's quarters. They were neatly kept, sparse even. There were touches here and there that were clearly all Shepard, however. The desk by the bathroom had several rifles laid out for cleaning. The fish-tank was empty. Most of the drawers had at least one knife or pistol stashed in them.  
When he got to the desk near Shepard's bed, however, he hesitated. The neat line of pistols in varying states of disassembly he expected.

The carafe of whiskey surprised him. 

It had never exactly been Shepard's favorite. It was _his_ favorite, however. An old habit he'd picked up, something the biotics had started doing after missions to ward off the headaches that could accompany the adrenaline and blood-sugar low. He'd never decided if it was more of a superstition or if it actually had an impact on anything. But he'd always enjoyed the rough smoky flavor, the way it cleared his throat and warmed his chest after a long mission. He'd taught Shepard his tradition after he'd started bunking with him back on the SR1. It had been the only thing he'd brought into Shepard's quarters, back when he'd still worried about things like fraternization regs.  
It stunned him that it had stuck.

Maybe he was reading too much into it. Could be Shepard had just picked up the habit, like Kaidan had as a young lieutenant. 

But John _hated_ whiskey.

He tossed his gear down next to the bed absently and moved over to the desk. For a long moment he paused, fingers inching up to trace the rim of the carafe. It wasn't the same one of course. That one had been destroyed along with the SR1. Somehow that made its presence even more impactful. Shepard had actively chosen to replace it. He righted one of the glasses and poured himself a couple fingers of golden liquid. He lifted it and sniffed. It was definitely whiskey. He took a deep sip and savored the burn that threaded through his throat and chest. 

The door to the cabin swished open and Kaidan glanced back to see Shepard entering his quarters in easy strides that looked loose and taut at the same time. A bit like an old-earth big cat, completely relaxed, yet still every inch a predator. Something unfathomable crossed his features as he saw Kaidan standing near the bed. He jogged down the steps straight over to him.

"Good, you're settling in," he said, moving closer, right into his space again. He looked at Kaidan even as he reached past him to pour another glass of whiskey - just a splash. He lifted it between them and Kaidan automatically responded by knocking his glass to Shepard's. They both tossed back the drink, emptying their glasses and setting them aside in an old habit.

Just like that, it was as though the last two and a half years had melted away and he was back on the SR1, back in the orbit of Shepard's aura, still his lover.  
Was that what could have been on Horizon if he'd just shut his damn mouth and said yes? But Kaidan had long since stopped worrying about _could-have-beens_.  
And Shepard was there now, looking at him with those damn eyes. 

"Kaidan," he said quietly.

Kaidan licked his lips in a brief hesitation before he inched closer to Shepard, closer so that he could feel his body heat, smell the whiskey on his breath.

Shepard's scarred hands came up and gripped his sides, pulling him the last inch closer so their bodies pressed together. Kaidan, however, was the one to dip his head forward so that their lips brushed, then bruised together in a hard kiss. Then their hands were roaming hard and fast over each other's bodies. Their mouths opened wide, tongues driving hard and fast against each other, lips scraping against the edges of stubble, noses dragging along cheekbones, then jawlines as their kisses strayed from their mouths, desperate to taste each other.  
Shepard's fingers fisted in Kaidan's hair, pulling him tighter as Kaidan's hands slid lower, gripping Shepard's backside to grind their hips together. His lips trailed along Shepard's jaw till his tongue traced the soft curve of flesh behind Shepard's ear, then skimmed lower. 

Kaidan latched onto the taut band of muscle in his neck, teeth digging in hard enough to bruise. Shepard grunted, perhaps startled, perhaps in slight pain.  
As Kaidan lifted his head Shepard barked a laugh. "I'd forgotten that," he said, stroking a hand up to grip Kaidan's jaw and staring into his face with a feral grin. "How much you like to bite when you get excited."  
Kaidan just glared at him. "You telling me you _don't_ like it Shepard?"  
Shepard's eyes just narrowed in response and he nipped none-too-gently at Kaidan's lower lip. 

And then their hands were racing each other, competing to get under each other's clothing faster, more smoothly than the other. Fabric was thrown aside at random, the only goal on either man's mind being to get as much bare skin under his hands, his body as possible.  
The burn of whiskey was still hot in his chest as Kaidan shoved Shepard back onto the bed. He crawled after him only to have John grip and twist, dragging Kaidan under him as he brought his body down to press against him, covering his mouth again with hard lips.

And then it was nothing but a blur, a collision of groans and gasps and skin against skin. Fingers that stroked, pinched, and spread. Teeth that scraped and bit. Tongues that ached with the aftertaste of whiskey.

Kaidan was simply drowning in Shepard. He breathed the water in willingly.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 Songs:  
> 3: Pet, A Perfect Circle  
> 4: Me, I’m Not

When he woke, Shepard was gone. He knew it without even looking.  
He took a deep breath, letting the scent of Shepard flood his senses in the cool span of his abandoned pillow. Then with a faint self-deprecating laugh he rolled till he lay flat on his back. 

So much for boundaries. 

He'd ended up on the side of the bed closer to the door. Shepard had kept his back to the corner. When they hadn't been thoroughly tangled up in each others' space, that was. He gazed up into the huge window over the bed, watching the blue-shift emissions slip past as they barreled along in the void of space. The widow nebula was far behind them, then.  
Kaidan glanced over at the time display beside the bed. It was already midday ship-wise, but he wasn't surprised. To his body it was early morning. It was going to take a little time for him to adjust to ship time. Plus he hadn't worked out a duty schedule yet, so there was no need to alter his circadian rhythms just yet.

He rolled the rest of the way over, swinging his feet down over the edge of the bed as he sat up. His discarded clothing had been cleared away, probably put into the closet or auto-hamper along with Shepard's. His duffel was where he'd set it the night before, on the floor next to the desk by the bed. 

He gazed up at the liquor carafe for a long moment, breathing a slow sigh as he rubbed a thumb under his lip. 

Well. 

Perhaps Shepard wasn't the only one who had been getting under someone's skin.  
He shook his head slightly, with a low "huh," before turning his gaze back to his bag. He tugged it over, fishing out his meager belongings.  
Taking his toothbrush and clean uniform he made for the bathroom, brushed his teeth and so forth with the brisk habits of a career soldier. But when he picked up his clean uniform shirt automatically, he hesitated, setting it back down. He leaned out of the bathroom, glancing over at the digital readout on Shepard's desk, gazing consideringly at the ship's clock. 

His automatic inclination had been to get dressed and head straight downstairs, but Shepard hadn't told him anything needed his attention right away. His second thought was that he could probably get away with a nice long shower. It had been a long couple of days, what with the attacks on the Citadel and watching Shepard take out Udina right in front of him. The memories were stretched taut over the edges of exhaustion and incredulity of it all. Training his weapon on his former lover. Actually considering pulling the trigger. 

He glanced at himself in the mirror and grimaced. He definitely could use a shower, particularly a wash of his hair. He fingered a loose strand that had fallen over his forehead, stuck there by sweat or the pillow or both.

He went with his second thought, moving impulsively back and toggling the shower. Hot water coursed down over the corner of the small, but private, bathroom. A welcome luxury considering the accommodations on the citadel. Kaidan stepped into the spray, sighing in pleasure as the liquid touched his skin. The water was a delicious relief despite the sharpness of the spray on the faint bruising on his neck. He hadn't known how badly he'd been craving a shower.

He spotted Shepard's bottle of body-wash sitting neatly on top of the control unit for the shower. No shampoo, which made sense considering how Shepard kept his hair. Kaidan would have to see about changing that. Using the soap for his hair would work in the short run, but it was one point of vanity he kept, even - no _especially_ \- in wartime. It made him feel human. Making quick work of the soap he lathered his hair, washing away the layers of dirt and sweat from the past few days.  
And from last night.

It had been one hell of a night.  
Kaidan hadn't felt like that in… well it'd been a long time. The ripping edge of the tidal-wave of need, dragging them along faster and harder than ever before. Faster than they could keep up with. Still not enough. 

Shepard had only been slightly more surprised than Kaidan himself when the major'd dug his teeth into Shepard's neck. He hadn't exactly spent a lot of time lost to that kind of passion in the last few years.  
Just under his jaw. Kaidan could only smirk at the thought of his teeth marks showing above the collar of Shepard's uniform. 

He washed himself with efficient motions. But he slowed slightly when his hand brushed over the slight bruising on his buttocks. He pressed the pad of one finger against the bruise, feeling the ache where Shepard had made _his_ mark. The other bruises were incidental, but that one...

Yeah. One _hell_ of a night. The memory had Kaidan's cock swelling under the rushing water. His fingers dipped lower to opening of his ass, still a little loose from last night's exertions. He brushed a finger against the pucker and sucked in a sharp breath. Though he hadn't exactly been celibate in the two years Shepard had been gone, it had been a while. Yeah, there had been a time early-on when he'd spent a few weeks dedicating his off hours getting drunk in nameless places, having sex with faceless people, fucking and being fucked as he tried to forget what it felt like to lose everything that mattered to him. 

But eventually he'd gotten his head on straight and tried to do what he'd always done; help the alliance make a difference. Funny how all of it was meaningless now. And how he'd ended up right back in Shepard's wake. In Shepard's bed. 

It hadn't been gentle, but gentle wasn't what Kaidan wanted. He pushed a finger inside himself, moaning faintly under the spray of water cascading over his face. Even the discomfort sparked by his own questing fingers in the shower was somehow erotic. It was… it was proof. He ran his other hand down to cup the weight of his sex, to roll it lightly over his fingers, considering wrapping them around his length and bringing back the memories from last night more directly.

He jerked his head back when the door to the bathroom slid open, blinking water out of his eyes to focus on the intruder. He saw Shepard standing in the doorway, mouth opening as if he might have been about to say something. But he changed his mind apparently, pausing in the door frame, mouth closing but his body keeping the door open.

Kaidan quashed the automatic embarrassment felt at getting caught masturbating in the commander's shower, but he couldn't avoid the heat brushing over his cheeks and throat. 

Still... he didn't pull his hands away, he simply raised an eyebrow at Shepard, also not saying anything. He watched Shepard's gaze narrow, then trail down his body to where his cock was hanging hard from his hips, cradled in his palm. Kaidan felt his cock twitch at the attention. Shepard's eyebrows drifted upward at the sight. Kaidan raised his chin defiantly. Shepard took a slow breath, and then eased back against the door frame, leaning into it. Settling in.

"Carry on, Major," he said after a long moment.

Kaidan's lips twisted faintly into a faint scowl before he dropped his gaze down to his hand. He didn't particularly appreciate Shepard invading his privacy this way. But he... didn't exactly dislike it either. His body was certainly responding. His breath-in held an extra vibration under the tightening of the muscles in his exposed chest. Slowly he stroked his palm down the underside of his cock, the water trickling through his fingers.

Shepard was just watching him. His eyes were heavy-lidded, dark with desire, pupils dilated. But he made no move to join Kaidan, despite the growing tightness in his trousers. In fact, with the way Shepard eased forward just far enough to settle himself against the edge of the sink, it was beginning to look like he had no intention of joining Kaidan at all.  
Just watching. As much as they had picked things up where they'd left off, they were in new territory all the same. 

Sex with Shepard had never been particularly traditional, but they also hadn't had enough time together to really explore each other's tastes. The voyeurism angle… well it wasn't something they'd done before, but with the galaxy going all "now or never" it was time for boundaries to be tested.  
One thing he did know is that it wasn't simple. It wasn't just sex between them, but it also wasn't… well, _love_ \- at least, not the way people usually defined it. It was complicated, which seemed appropriate to Kaidan since he was fairly certain he couldn't feel anything resembling simple about it. 

The way Shepard was looking at him…  
Kaidan turned to face him fully, the water rushing over his back. He tilted his head to the side, letting the water run down the crook of his neck and slip over his chest, touching him in the place of withheld fingers, stroking over his skin.

And then, slowly, he was stroking rough hands over his cock in the shower as John stood leaning against the sink, arms folded. Watching him with hot eyes, flared nostrils, bulging trousers. The sheer quietness of Shepard's reactions was terribly arousing. Kaidan felt too hot, like he was sweating under the water. He reached back and turned down the temperature of the shower spray till it was almost chilling. The contrast between the heat in his groin, the searing tension of Shepard's gaze, and the cold water rushing over his back was invigorating to say the least. His heart thudded in his chest. He could feel the pulse slapping in his neck. His throat was tight.

Kaidan tipped his head back, watching John's face - just staring as he jerked off for his lover. He made a low hum of pleasure in the back of his throat. Shepard's lips were a thin line, his ice-blue eyes raking over Kaidan's body.

There was a hardening around Shepard's eyes. On anyone else it would have been a smile. His nostrils flared as he watched Kaidan roll his thumb over the dip down the center line of the head of his erection, dragging a soft sound from his throat.

"More," Shepard murmured, and Kaidan's breath caught on the heat of it.

His stroke back was firm, twisting his wrist to ratchet up the tension. His nipples were hard under the cold water. The edges of his skin prickled with the contrasts of cool air and hot flesh beneath it. He rolled one pink bud between his fingers, flicking it with the pad of his thumb till it was almost painfully taut. 

" _More_ ," Shepard repeated, voice low and rough. 

After only a moment's hesitation, Kaidan let his hand slip down from his chest and then around the curve of his ribs and behind himself, down over his hole. He curled his fingers without any preamble, sliding one into himself. His body gripped at the invading digit and he flexed it, stroking the silken curve of the delicate flesh inside him. He arched his back so that the hard edges of his shoulder-blades were pressed against the cool metal, the cold water flooding his front, hardening his nipples even further. He moaned at the sensation of heat from his palm mixing with the chilled water as he jerked his hand over his length.

And then suddenly Shepard was moving, stepping in, heedless of the spray of water. He took Kaidan by the arm, dragging him off the wall he'd been leaning back against. He cupped Kaidan's jaw with his other hand, ducking his head to rake his lips over Kaidan's throat, his collarbone as he pulled him further out of the shower.  
Kaidan's hands let go of himself and made straight for the fastening to Shepard's trousers, jerking the belt clasp open. When Kaidan's wet fingers closed over the hard dry shape of his dick, Shepard moaned, a low, breathy sound, almost too quiet to hear over the rushing water. His hands tightened on Kaidan as his lips brushed over his ear, then his teeth scraped against the lobe. Kaidan twisted his wrist and his hips so that his own cock pushed up against the length of Shepard's erection still cupped in his palm.

"Fuck," Shepard muttered, fingers tightening further around Kaidan's arm, then tugging backwards again.  
Kaidan let himself be pulled, let himself be turned to face the sink and be pushed down over it. His footing was precarious, feet squeaking against the deck as his hips hit the edge of the counter. Shepard's palm against his lower back drove him downward. When he tried to brace himself, his palms slipped over the surface of the counter made slick by the water pooling on it as it ran from his body. Breath huffed out of him as his solar-plexus hit the counter with a slap. 

Shepard's hands steadied him as they gripped his hips, then slid lower and dug into the taut curve of his backside, fingers dry and hot on his skin. Kaidan sucked in a ragged breath as Shepard's fingers ground over the most prominent bruise on his ass. Shepard's tight exhale came in response as he circled his thumb around the mark. 

He heard Shepard spit into his palm. He waited, dripping, shuddering under the chilling lines of water that tripped and ran and caught over each part of his body. His cock was hard against the sharp edge of the counter, trapped between his body and the lip. He could feel the throbbing of the veins in that constraint, thudding away in an alternating beat with his heart. And then Shepard's slickened cock was pressing against the semi-loosened ring of his ass, nudging forward insistently, skidding and dragging against the insufficient lubrication of his saliva mixed with the water of the shower. Kaidan groaned, mouth wide, lips pressed against the wet counter, back arching against the assault.

Shepard leaned into it, heedless of the pressure flexing his cock and thickening it, pushing tighter into Kaidan, progress slowing at the friction. His fingers skimmed up the curve of Kaidan's back, curling around the back of his neck, gripping tight. He pulled back momentarily, leaving Kaidan suddenly bereft, but before he could so much as breathe, his hand was spreading Kaidan wider and he was pressing forward, groaning at the tightness of the fit. 

He pulled back again, spitting down between them again impatiently before driving forward once more, running on determination. Kaidan pushed back against him, and then, with a sudden stinging rush, Shepard slid the rest of the way home, his hard length buried inside Kaidan. 

He gave Kaidan no time to adjust, to relax around the intrusion, grinding his hips forward until his balls rubbed against the backs of Kaidan's. And then he was thrusting, pushing and grinding and rolling himself into Kaidan. He groaned, scrubbing a rough hand over the planes of Kaidan's back and ribs, gratifying himself with each stroke of his lover's exquisite form.

"Oh hell," Kaidan moaned against the counter. His foot nearly slipped as he struggled for balance, palms slipping further against the surface as he arched his back to anticipate Shepard's thrusts. The muscles in Kaidan's foot began to cramp from his precarious position balanced on his toes. He gave in the rest of the way, letting his weight come down completely on the counter, no control withheld. The pressure on his erection was sharp, flashed hot with each thrust of Shepard's hips. 

His surrender was deemed insufficient. Shepard's hands raked over his back and up over curve of his shoulders, slipping down till his broad hands closed around Kaidan's wrists. He pulled with a slow but inexorable force that had Kaidan's arms bending and his wrists sliding over the small of his back. Now he couldn't even brace himself on the slippery counter. He was totally and completely at the commander's mercy. Shepard exchanged his two-handed grip for one spanning Kaidan's locked wrists, the cybernetically-enhanced strength of his grip easily overwhelming Kaidan's not-inconsiderable strength. Shepard's freed hand moved up till his fingers tangled in the wet strands of Kaidan's freshly-cleaned hair, pulling for more leverage, for more tension to arch Kaidan's back. 

The commander fucked him into the counter, hard enough to bruise. Kaidan couldn't stifle the groans that were torn from him - didn't try. The slightly rounded edge of the countertop ribbed along the top of Kaidan's erection. It hurt, yet he was harder than ever, moaning in pleasure as each thrust of Shepard's hips dragged the pressure of the counter along his length and slipped Shepard's hardness against the sensitized nerves around Kaidan's entrance and those deeper inside him. 

Kaidan wouldn't normally consider himself loud - in bed, or anywhere. Now, with his head pulled back, throat opened, pain and overwhelming pleasure exploding through him, he was louder than ever. Shepard seemed to appreciate it, if the low grunts of pleasure and occasional breathy moan were any indication.

When Kaidan couldn't cling on any more to his control, legs shaking from the awkward position, breath stuttering against the pooled water on the counter, he cried out, back going stiff and arms straining against Shepard's grip. His dick pulsed and erupted, spattering his cum against the leg of the counter and the wet floor beneath it. 

"Oh fuck yes," Shepard grit out, tightening his hold as Kaidan twisted under him, jerking and shuddering through each pulse of his dick.  
The commander switched his hold from Kaidan's hair down to the rounded curve of muscle where the back of his neck met his shoulder using the leverage to thrust into Kaidan with unbridled force. A few more movements and he too was spent, spilling himself inside Kaidan once again. 

Kaidan let his face settle on the counter, heedless of the cold puddle forming there. He was gasping for breath, trying to find some sense of equilibrium as Shepard withdrew from his body and he could finally, finally settle down off his toes and reduce the sharp pressure of the counter's edge against his cock.  
He heard the shower being shut off behind him, and the resulting silence was loud. Was this what it was going to be like? There would be new bruises on his hips, his arms. Fresh reminders of… whatever it was between them.

He was shivering as Shepard drew him into his arms, pulling him hard against the warmth of his chest. His arms banded around Kaidan, covering him from the chill air. Never mind that a towel might've been more effective.  
Shepard's lips brushed over his temple, then he burrowed his face against Kaidan's neck, hugging him to his chest.

"Kaidan," he whispered, voice full with all the things he didn't say. Kaidan heard them regardless. Or he thought he did.  
Was he reading too much into it? Was he reading too much into the whiskey?

Did he care?


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 Songs:  
> 5: I Am Shell I Am Bone, Gazelle Twin  
> 6: My Eyes, Nero  
> 7: Inside The City of Glass, Katatonia  
> 8: Home, Depeche Mode

Kaidan was almost nervous on the elevator ride down.  
Shepard left him to dress in silence, heading back down to the CIC or the war-room, or wherever he was needed at the moment.  
He hadn't actually discussed with the Commander what his role was going to be aboard the Normandy now. Normally he might step in as XO, but there wasn't anything _normal_ about how the Normandy ran these days. EDI seemed to be managing the crew quite effectively.  
Perhaps he'd just be a squad member. Help out the others with their duties where he could. He could spend time helping maintain the armory, or discussing data with Traynor and Liara. Maybe try and take some of the basic responsibilities off Shepard's plate.

"Major," Specialist Traynor said politely as he stepped off the elevator.

"Traynor. Good to see you," he replied.

"I was just about to take these details to the mission briefing," she said, then frowned hesitantly.

"I'll tag along. No time like the present, eh?" he said, turning as she did to walk alongside her towards the security point and on to the war room. The eyes of curious crew were on him, naturally enough. He resisted the urge to glance at his exposed skin to check on forming bruises. No sense in drawing extra attention to them. 

"Congratulations, Spectre," Traynor said to fill the silence, offering him a smile.

He tilted his chin down, flashing her a smile in response as they passed the checkpoint. "Going to take me a while to get used to that one I expect," he said as the door to the war-room opened. 

Traynor trotted down the steps ahead of him, stepping up to the war map to bring up her latest data. Kaidan came down after her, casting an unrequited glance at Shepard as well as exchanging nods with Garrus and Liara who were waiting nearby.

He felt suddenly less anxious as the two of them shifted without hesitation to give him a space around the circle. Ok. Maybe it would be that easy. The lieutenant across the table might be giving him the eye, but he and Garrus and Liara had been through a lot together. Maybe not as much as with Shepard, but more than most. 

It wasn't long before Kaidan relaxed into the familiar routine of mission discussion - though admittedly this was on a much larger scale than he was used to. It didn't get much bigger than _galactic_. 

And gone were the days of one or two priority missions at a time. Now the entire map was burgeoning with exclamation points for priority targets. Targets nobody but Shepard and the crew of the Normandy had even a clue how to approach.

They'd narrowed half the mission targets right off the bat. And Kaidan found he couldn't argue with Shepard's decision to drop all civilian targets from the list. He felt the pain of it, though. He was still slightly surprised that nobody except for Traynor batted an eyelash - or flickered a mandible or what have you - at the ruthless decision.

Long past that, he supposed.  
Still, even after they'd cut down non-essential targets, there were three remaining choices.

"We have a bit of a priorities issue then," Garrus mused, flicking the control to shift back to the other mission spec.

There was a bit of silence as several expert minds worked over the problem. But Kaidan noticed one thing each of the missions had in common. It was the line below the title indicator, which said Council Status Required: Spectre Authority.

"Spectre status," he murmured, drawing everyone's attention in the near-silence. Kaidan glanced at Liara and Garrus, then spoke up, "I have Spectre status now. I could take a team and-,"

"No," Shepard cut him off abruptly. And that was apparently then end of the conversation, because Shepard continued. "This target is only an asset in the long term, it's not something we can take a gamble on."  
The icon disappeared from the map. Shepard clicked over to the other mission. "And these STG teams just aren't a big enough asset against a force like the reapers."  
It disappeared too, and they were left with their mission selection. 

Kaidan pursed his lips in frustration as they hashed out the details of the mission. If he'd been more confident, had been on board longer, he'd have argued. Perhaps. Shepard's team was small enough he could understand not wanting to split them up. Plus they were all far too used to trio fire-teams to adjust to a duo without it being a significant risk. 

Didn't mean Shepard couldn't hear him out. Not that he'd actually been invited to this briefing.

When John finally nodded, mission planned and ready to move on, he turned and strode around the war-map towards the door to the CIC. Kaidan moved a half-step after him but John didn't look back at him, heading out of the room with Garrus and Vega falling into step behind him.  
And what the fuck was he doing, following Shepard around like some fresh lieutenant? He turned abruptly back to the war-room console. He had plenty of catching up to do; the Normandy had better data than anywhere else in the galaxy. But he couldn't not look at Liara when she paused beside him, setting a gentle hand on his arm. 

The woman he saw when he met her eyes, however, was so different, so much harder than the wide-eyed scientist he'd met four years ago. She held his gaze for a long moment, and what he saw was… solidarity. Not quite sympathy, and not quite liking… but she understood.  
He nodded to her, and she moved away, her stride purposeful as always, leaving him alone with the galaxy.

 

By the time he finally returned to the commander's cabin (and he was still a ways from thinking of it as _their_ cabin) it was very late by ship's time. To be fair, his body clock was still on citadel time. But he hadn't exactly felt like going up there yet, if Shepard was there. It would have forced him to deal with his concerns rather more directly, before having time to think about it.

Well, he'd thought about it - some of which thinking had been done over a mug of tea staring out at the stars in the starboard observation lounge instead of glaring at hapless crew over the war-map.  
He didn't like the idea that his opinion had been devalued - that perhaps he himself had been dismissed. But if that was truly and generally the case there would be no way he'd be back aboard the Normandy. And definitely no way Shepard would have argued him into his bed. He'd have to take a little time to re-confirm for everyone that he could hold the line. That he and his opinions were up to snuff. Didn't matter who you were, if you were new or newly returned to a crew, you had to prove yourself.

Well, maybe not if you were Garrus Vakarian.

Honestly, it wasn't that different from the way things had always been, back on the SR1. They'd had to keep things professional in front of the others, and if Shepard was more curt than before… well, a guy like Shepard didn't have time for anyone's disingenuous assertions. Not that he would get the reference.  
" _Blasto_ ," he murmured. Kaidan smiled a soft, wistful smile. Shepard would like that film. Kaidan would have liked to know a Shepard who could. 

But, and this was the conclusion he'd come to in the past few hours, that didn't mean he didn't want to know the Shepard who couldn't. The man who had no time for blasto because he was too busy saving the galaxy. The man who didn't know how to smile at his lover even though he fought to keep him. Whether it was something he'd be able to live with… well that was a different question, and one he didn't have the answer to yet.

He made his way into the cabin, glancing at Shepard who was sitting at his desk with his customary stack of datapads laid out in a neat spread.

"Hey Shepard," he said before continuing towards the bed area. Shepard frowned at him, arrested, and looking like he had things to say but didn't know how to say them.  
Yeah, that's exactly what Kaidan meant. 

Though he could have made an issue of things, picked a fight, played up the drama, he decided instead on calm. On being someone who Shepard could rely on. On listening to the low hum of the Normandy, the faint breathy sound of the air circulation, louder than the SR1. Probably due to wall panels that still weren't back in place due to the ongoing retrofits and prioritization of key areas. After undoing the clasps he stripped his shirt off over his head and tossed it in the laundry chute. When he glanced over his shoulder, Shepard had risen from his desk and moved to the top of the steps.

His belt was discarded next, motions deliberate as he gazed at his lover over his shoulder a moment, then glanced down to toss the belt on the pile and unfasten the buttons at his waistband. Shepard's footfalls sounded behind him, coming down the steps. And then his trousers were being dragged down over his hips when Shepard's hands came to join his. Shepard's lips came up to nuzzle at the back of Kaidan's neck. His hands dragged over Kaidan's abdomen, teasing at the faint trail of hair below his belly-button. 

He knelt on the bed when Shepard pushed him forward, falling onto his hands and knees so that the curve of his backside was in the air covered by only the thin black briefs. Shepard's hands rubbed hard over his ass, then down the backs of his thighs to where his boots were blocking the progress of his trousers. He undid them deftly with the long experience of a soldier who knew his way around military-issue footwear. They hit the deck with a heavy thump. Punctuation. Then Shepard caressed his ass, tracing down the center seam of his underwear, curling his fingers under the weight of Kaidan's dick cradled in the sling of fabric. He dragged the briefs off too before he even started divesting himself of his own clothes.

Kaidan could have waited as he was, on hands and knees, presenting himself for Shepard. But he wasn't up for any games tonight, so he stretched out on the bed, rolling over to prop his arms behind his head and watched Shepard strip. He took slow, deep breaths, savoring the quiet, watching Shepard remove his uniform with steady motions. They watched each other in the silence. 

It wasn't long then till they were both naked and Shepard was crawling up beside him. Kaidan reached out to run a hand over Shepard's shoulder, then up to cup his jaw, drawing he head down so that they were laid out on the bed, touching, then kissing. Kaidan took his time, and though he sensed the tension under Shepard's skin, the commander returned his curiosity in kind, tasting the corners of his mouth and the curves of his face, hands skimming in light touches over Kaidan's every surface. Kaidan's fingers wended their way down every ridge and groove of bone and muscle on Shepard's body until they found the hot length of Shepard's erection growing steadily firmer against his thigh.

Eventually the kisses grew more urgent, the touches more insistent until Shepard rolled them so that he was on his back with Kaidan over him. His hands took a firm grip on Kaidan's waist, and Kaidan sat up as Shepard tugged his hips higher. He grabbed at the headboard for stability as Shepard craned his neck down to swipe his tongue over the tip of Kaidan's cock. His head fell back on a soft moan as Shepard tilted his head and used his tongue to traced the side of his dick. His motions were teasingly slow, flicking back and forth over the taut flesh of Kaidan's erection. Eventually he drew his head back and set his lower lip under the ridge at the underside of the tip of Kaidan, then nudged that tip into his mouth, sucking hard on him.

It was tempting to stay there and let Shepard go to town on him. But as much as he appreciated the sensation of Shepard's mouth on him, his goal was a bit more specific. He slipped himself free of Shepard's lips and leaned over till he could reach the drawer that Shepard had opened the night before, fetching the bottle of lubricant once more. He gazed down at Shepard with heavy eyes as he righted himself, watching the delicious spark of anticipation flare in the commander's eyes as he flipped open the lid. 

Shepard angled his head up again to curl his tongue along the ridge of the head of Kaidan's cock, gazing up at him as the major poured some of the lubricant onto his fingers. Kaidan spread the fluid over his fingers, then reached back, spreading it into the cleft of his backside. It was cool on his hot skin. Kaidan rocked his hips almost involuntarily over the inviting motion of Shepard's tongue as he rubbed the gel around his opening. Oh how he wanted to thrust forward. But he drew back, sliding his knees lower on the bed till he straddled Shepard's hips.

Shepard reached between Kaidan's legs to take hold of himself, smirking in anticipation. He pushed back on Kaidan's hip slightly, lowering the curve of his rear till it was in range of his cock. He rolled his wrist, slapping his dick against Kaidan's ass in an effort to harden it again with a few rough pumps of his fist. He pursed his lips faintly, then reached up to snag Kaidan's nipple. He pinched, then twisted sharply enough to elicit a moan. When he brought his cock up against Kaidan's hole it was full strength again. Lubricant smeared onto Shepard's dick from Kaidan's heated flesh, and then his fingers were pressing and nudging so that the head of his cock was at the right angle, pressing into Kaidan. 

Kaidan set the pace, easing back with determination and perhaps a little less patience than his body might have liked. He knew, however, that after the last 24-hours, there would be no way he wouldn't be in for some discomfort. He didn't care. He needed to prove to both of them that this, the steady commitment could work in addition to bouts of ferocious passion.

With a shaky breath he bottomed out, abs clenching reflexively as he willed himself to adjust. It was slow going, each breath sending a fresh pang through his over-taxed body. Shepard's fingers traced idle patterns over Kaidan's thighs and cock as he waited, eyes narrowed, lips a thin line.  
Kaidan didn't let the moan of pain escape his lips as he lifted himself and pushed back down again. Consequently, no sound escaped his lips. There was silence but for the hum of the Normandy and the faint sound of slickened skin as he repeated the motion, tipping his head back to gaze up through his eyelashes and into the void.  
He ignored his own flagging erection as he rode Shepard, gripping the headboard to give himself leverage as he ground himself back.

He didn't know how much time passed. Long enough for the endorphins to kick in, for his thighs to burn, then settle into the steady heat of work. Long enough for sweat to bead on his neck. Long enough for Shepard to find a rhythm with his hands on Kaidan's dick to match Kaidan's ride.

Shepard's hands on him should have been enough, but he couldn't stop thinking about being pinned to the bathroom counter with his cock on the sharp edge of the frame. It shouldn't have been better that way. He should have been able to _make love_ to Shepard. He damn well cared enough to.

But then again, nothing was ever simple. Like any military biotic, pleasure and pain weren't nearly the separate entities they were for most people. And all the thresholds were different too. _Should_ didn't really factor in anywhere, as it turned out.

"Harder," he said haltingly.

He groaned as Shepard dug his thumb in under the head of his cock in an almost immediate response, like he'd been waiting for the go-ahead. He pulled and rolled his fingers, stretching and gripping Kaidan's dick with strong motions that had his abdomen shuddering as he moved. His fingers closed spasmodically on the headboard's edge as he ground between Shepard's palm and his dick. He arched his back, moving in wanton thrusts, face to the stars as he fucked himself onto Shepard. 

The hard motions of Shepard's hands were enough to open the floodgates of pleasure, each sensation building on the last until he was pouring himself out into Shepard's fingers, hot come splashing over his chest. He stuttered in his motions, gasping for breath as the orgasm ran over him and rushed out of him, leaving him blown-out and empty.

Then Shepard's hand was slipping up his chest and throat to grip his jaw, to tug his face back down from the stars. Kaidan opened his eyes and stared down between his arms at Shepard. The icy blue of his eyes was bright like the Normandy's engines. His flared nostrils were the only giveaway that he was close. Though he felt the ragged edge of exhaustion tugging at him, Kaidan gripped tight and launched himself back up to pace, eyes heavy as he gazed down at his lover, drinking in every detail, every tensed muscle and flicker of gaze as he fucked Shepard over the edge after him.

They said nothing in the aftermath, catching their breaths in silence. They disentangled with an unspoken coordination, wandering from the rumpled sheets towards the head.  
The shower was brief and efficient. Silent.  
And yet for all that Shepard's face was devoid of emotion, it felt desperately intimate as they scrubbed each other down and took turns rinsing in the spray.  
At least, it did to Kaidan. Perhaps _only_ to Kaidan. It was a sobering thought. When they climbed into bed, they each lay on their own side of it, separate. Kaidan stared at the stars. Shepard closed his eyes.

Kaidan inched his hand towards Shepard, but left it laying in the space between them. It was hard, having faith in something like this. Eventually he turned to face away on the pillow instead. But after a moment Shepard was turning with him, slipping a hand around his waist and shifting them both so they were curled together, thoroughly entrained.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 4 Songs:  
> 9: In Chains, Depeche Mode  
> 10: Dragonfly, Android Lust  
> 11: Burn, Mad at Gravity

Shepard was distant as they walked up the stairs in the presidium, away from the shopkeeper with whom they'd just finished making a deal with over some recovered artifacts. Out of strategic habit they took a different route than the one they'd arrived by, walking further along the commercial districts, past shops and restaurants. They had time to take the long route for once.

By conventional standards, he was almost being ignored. Shepard hardly looked at him, and it seemed he wasn't even listen to what Kaidan was saying. The years had weighed heavily on the commander. The losses, the hard decisions, they'd all added up over time, leaving him quieter, more often lost in thought. In calculations. The mischevious, reckless side of him, the man Kaidan had been enthralled with back on the SR1, was slowly being pushed deeper beneath the mantle of The Commander.

Oh, he could have chosen to be annoyed at the lack of attention, at the differences between the Shepard he'd once known and the Shepard he was with now. But then again, conventional standards hardly applied to either of them. Shepard certainly didn't need his company on a tour of the Citadel. He _chose_ to have Kaidan around. Kaidan was wise enough to appreciate that. Living with Shepard these past few weeks hadn't been easy. Really hadn't. But then again, he could no longer imagine not being with Shepard. The commander was in every part of Kaidan's life now. In the two years they'd spent apart he'd almost forgotten what that was like.

"I know you've got a meeting with Aria. After that, I've got to pop by the embassy to meet with an STG operative I know who has some intel for me," Kaidan began, checking his omni-tool messages to see if there was anything else they needed to accomplish. 

"Then I was thinking we could stop by the commons for a bite to eat. Together."

When Shepard didn't respond, lost in his thoughts and staring through the windows they passed by, Kaidan drifted to a stop, closing his omni-tool interface. Shepard paused automatically beside him and turned his gaze from whatever shop he'd been gazing into, looking faintly surprised.

Kaidan felt a wry smile twist over the corner of his mouth as he watched Shepard's eyes track back over his memory of Kaidan's words.

Shepard glanced back over Kaidan's shoulder at a shop they had passed in front of, lips pursed in consideration for a long moment before a small smile curved on his lips and he glanced back at Kaidan. 

"Sounds good. I'll meet you at the Spectre office in half an hour," he said, and then strode back the way they'd come without waiting for a response. 

 

When Kaidan arrived at the spectre office he dutifully checked messages. He made a few authorizations, denied a handful. He was early, but Shepard would be punctual he knew. He opened his omni-tool interface to make some notes about his meeting with the salarian. 

Right on the dot, he heard the door cycle open. He glanced over, turning to face his lover and leaning back against the metal railing near the console as Shepard came up the corridor towards him. Kaidan might have offered him a small smile but he was distracted by the small grey bag Shepard had hanging from his fingers. He also had a look on his face, one that spoke of heat and anticipation. One that sent Kaidan's pulse upwards and had him lifting his eyebrows and uncrossing his arms.

John walked right up to Kaidan, stepping close so that their hips almost touched, close enough so that he could reach past Kaidan and grip the metal railing on either side of his ass and lean close. He tilted his head to brush his lips over Kaidan's, then moved on to his jaw and up to his ear.

"I got you something," he breathed.  
As usual, Shepard hit with the full force of a charging krogan. 

"Oh?" Kaidan asked, tipping his head back to look down at his lover, then glancing down beside him where his hand was against the railing next to Kaidan's hip, grey bag dangling over the edge.

The commander stepped back, gripping Kaidan's hips and levering him sideways until he flipped and faced the railing. Shepard bumped his hips against Kaidan's ass, running his hands over his waist. The plastic crackled as it brushed over Kaidan's body behind Shepard's fingers.

Kaidan wrapped his fingers around the railing for balance as Shepard destabilized him.  
The plastic crackled further as Shepard settled his hands in front of Kaidan's belly and pulled the bag open, reaching into it and drawing out the object it held.  
Kaidan's breath sucked sharply between his teeth at the sight of the toy. Purple, thick and ribbed and made of some translucent and pliant material. Shepard rolled it between his hands, squeezing it, bending it, his breath hot on the back of Kaidan's neck.

"Nothing too special. Standard flexible plug and vibrator. Designed for short and long-term wear. Sixteen different vibration settings." Shepard said matter-of-factly, as though he were listing specs for a new rifle. 

"But," he said, reaching his hand back into the bag dangling over Kaidan's crotch. "And this is my favorite part; it has a remote."

He pushed a button on the small black remote and the toy buzzed in his hand almost silently. Kaidan felt the vibration through the arm pressed against his side for a moment before he switched it off.

"Want to try it out?" Shepard murmured against his ear. "I really want to try it out on you right now."

Kaidan's breath caught. "Right now? _Here_? Shepard, I…," he trailed off. 

John nuzzled his neck touching his tongue to the pulse that throbbed below Kaidan's ear. And it was definitely throbbing, hard and fast and accelerating. Kaidan glanced up at the walls. Ostensibly there were no cameras there in the Spectre office, but...

"Is that a no?" Shepard asked, voice deep and quiet.

Kaidan sighed. "I don't… I don't know."

"Kaidan. Is it a no?" he repeated, The Commander coming through in his voice.  
It had Kaidan slipping into officer mode as well. Make decisions quickly. Follow through.

"No," he said tilting his hips back against Shepard's. "It's not a no."

The response was immediate. Shepard palmed the devices back into the bag and reached for the fly of Kaidan's trousers. Kaidan gripped the railing hard, breath tight in anticipation. 

The cool air of the Spectre office was a sudden sharp contrast to his skin as Shepard dragged the fabric down over his hips, shoving it into a bunch over his thighs. Shepard stepped back slightly, gripping Kaidan's bare hips firmly and drawing back on them till Kaidan stepped backward. He left his hands on the railing as he suspected he was intended to do, bending forward slightly, exposing his backside more fully to the air. His cock was already swelling, hanging heavy between his legs. 

He heard the snap of a seal on some single-use lube, heard Shepard squeeze some onto either the toy or his fingers. He couldn't really see without actively craning his neck over his shoulder, and having Shepard's actions hidden from view sent his excitement spiraling even higher.  
He'd lubricated the toy, Kaidan realized as Shepard's dry fingers curved over the cleft of his backside, pushing him wider, and then the cool, lubed tip of the vibrator was pressed up against the pucker of his opening, straight line to the target. Not that it was much of a surprise, considering who was on the mission. 

Shepard rubbed the tip of toy there for a moment, spreading the slick gel around with methodical little motions. The gel tingled faintly on his skin, and the teasing sent a shiver rippling up Kaidan's back. Kaidan bit his lip and concentrated on relaxing - not normally difficult, but standing exposed to the view of any Spectre who might happen by… that certainly had an impact.

He let out a tight breath when Shepard pushed the rounded tip into the center of his opening, small enough that it slipped and nudged inside him despite his tension. No matter how many times he did it, he still had to bite back the moan that welled up in his chest at the sensation of that slickened polymer pressing apart the smooth skin just inside his entrance. Shepard twisted the toy, rotating it against the sensitive nerves there, and the stifled moan renewed itself, slipping from Kaidan's lips after all. 

Then Shepard's hand closed firmly on Kaidan's hip for leverage before he pushed again, stretching Kaidan further around the vibrator. The breadth of the toy increased steadily in curved tiers, each level being grabbed at by Kaidan's body. He went slowly enough it didn't really hurt, but it wasn't exactly a relaxed pace Shepard set. Kaidan found himself wondering if it were even possible for Shepard to do _relaxed_.

Shepard's thumb slid down to rub against the skin behind Kaidan's balls, smearing in the lube, causing him to tense and relax around the toy in reflex. He could feel the taut band of muscle being pushed and smoothed between Shepard's thumb and the toy inside him. The pressure against the nerves inside him had Kaidan groaning. Shepard twisted the toy again, rocking it back out a tier before bumping it in a ridge and a half. He did it again, then twice more in quick succession before pushing another ridge into Kaidan and slipping it home, dragging a gasp from Kaidan as his body gripped around the tapering base, seating it firmly inside him. Shepard pressed the palm of his hand against the end of the toy, the flared edge of the plug curved flush against Kaidan's skin. 

Shepard smoothed his palms over Kaidan's exposed backside, leaning back to admire his handiwork. He ran one of his hands forward to cup Kaidan's cock, rubbing his thumb and forefinger in teasing circles up its length. Kaidan gazed down between his arms to watch Shepard massage his dick, body still adjusting to the penetration. He saw Shepard's other hand come up to rest against the railing between Kaidan's, holding the remote.

He watched as Shepard pushed his thumb down on the controller. Even still he wasn't prepared for the vibration. He groaned, arms and hips tensing. He shuddered as Shepard stroked his fingertips down to the tip of his cock, then rocked his hips back against him. But then, abruptly, Shepard was pulling his shorts and trousers back up, settling them over his waist. Deft fingers fastened the closure, then stroked inside his pants to re-settle the head of Kaidan's erection more discreetly up under his waistband. Kaidan glanced over his shoulder, confused.

"Come on," Shepard said, expression inscrutable, eyes bright as he slipped his hand under Kaidan's elbow, directing him upright at his side. Kaidan followed, biting his lip against the moan that came from the reaction to the vibrating toy shifting inside him as he straightened, from his cock pressing against the waistband of his trousers. He was not sure where he was being led, perhaps towards the firing range or the weapon's bench to continue their play. But Shepard turned them towards the door out to the embassy. "Let's go get that lunch you were talking about." 

"What?" Kaidan demanded incredulously, drawing his arm out of Shepard's grip as he came to an abrupt halt.

Shepard turned to him, hands coming up to grip Kaidan's waist. He pressed him back against the wall, grinding his hips against Kaidan's. He lifted a hand, running his thumb over Kaidan's lower lip as his eyes darted over Kaidan's face, hard and lit with a terrible excitement. His other hand dipped back into his pocket.

"I want to see if I can make you lose that control you cling so hard to," he murmured.

When the vibrator responded to Shepard's push of a button, sending a sudden pulsating wave of pleasure through him, Kaidan lost his reply in the moan that forced its way past his lips.

Shepard's responding breath was tight, as was the front of his trousers, pressed against Kaidan's own bulge.

"I want to watch you sit there, eating a sandwich as though nothing is happening. I want to know that you're hard under that table, that you could come at any moment."

Kaidan turned his head and swore under his breath. 

Shepard's breath tickled his ear as he leaned in to nip at Kaidan's exposed ear.

"And most of all, I want you hard for me. That you could come _for me_ ," he said, punctuating his words with another pulse of the vibrator.

The look Kaidan turned back on him was deeper and darker than he could have anticipated, punctuated when the major slanted his mouth over Shepard's for a hot hard kiss. When he lifted his head, he demanded breathlessly, "Then what the hell are we waiting for?"

 

To say that Kaidan was distracted as they made their way out of the embassy and down to the commons was a bit of an understatement. Not that it was uncommon for him to be distracted by Shepard. Shepard was like that, pushing his way inside Kaidan, not taking anything back. The vibration inside him was just a more direct and physical manifestation of it all. But if Kaidan were to be fair with the metaphor, if Shepard was pushed inside him, then he was all around Shepard. Though he had to wonder about how far the metaphor stretched, and how evenly.

Still, for all his apparent nonchalance, Shepard was relentless, keeping Kaidan on edge as they walked down the pretty presidium corridors, skirting the areas that were still under re-construction after the attempted coup. Walking around with a toy inside him would have been distracting enough, but Shepard kept the vibration on, kept the pattern changing just enough to keep Kaidan guessing. Every step was like a move in a game of strategy.

He hardly noticed when Shepard drew them to a halt at a kiosk to browse the wares. He was more interested in the relief of not having the head of his cock rubbed with every step, tucked up into his waistband as it was. He leaned against the edge of the counter, trying to focus on slowing his heartbeat. He tried thinking about slowing the rush of blood to his dick, but the public setting, the game Shepard was playing, just made him harder than ever. Some raw part of him wanted to press his hips against the counter and grind himself against it in desperate search of friction.

But he didn't. He waited, riding out each pulse and change in vibration that touched him while Shepard did his shopping. Just as he was getting the hang of things, the vibration stopped and Shepard turned, finished with whatever he'd been doing. 

"So, what are you thinking? Thessian cuisine? Batarian fusion?" Shepard teased. 

The major smirked. It would serve him right if Kaidan chose the asari equivalent of sushi. But such delicacies were becoming few and far between, and were not the most filling of foods at the best of times. Chakwas was forever reminding him that he wasn't keeping up a high enough calorie intake.

Kaidan cleared his throat and said, "I was thinking sandwiches, honestly."

"Sandwiches it is." Shepard clapped a hand on his shoulder, then slid his fingers up along the ridge of Kaidan's neck and into his hairline, eliciting a shudder as his fingernails teasing light trails of sensation along the sensitive skin under the biotic's amp-port before slipping away. The vibration flared back to life as his hands fell away, a substitution of sensation. Like Shepard was touching him, fucking him, but doing it in public with no one the wiser. Except, of course, Kaidan. It left him breathless as they walked. Fortunately they didn't have much further to go, and it seemed Shepard's appetite for food had finally trumped his appetite for teasing Kaidan. He led them to a simple café and chose a table with a good view of the presidium.

Kaidan had to clear his throat to smother his groan as he sat, the seat thrusting the toy at a new angle inside him as he settled his weight. Damned if the new position didn't shove the thing right against his prostate. When Shepard asked him what he wanted, he just shook his head, unable to formulate a response. Shepard's low chuckle was a visceral, feral thing that had Kaidan tipping his head back, mouth curving upwards as he took a deep breath.

Shepard tabbed in an order for both of them on the console and then sat silently, watching him. Kaidan ignored him and stared out at the airy peace of the presidium basin, taking measured breaths. He was far closer to the edge than he wanted to be. 

It wasn't long before their order came out. But the sandwich sat untouched in front of him as he gripped the edge of the table, focused on his breathing and attempting to keep his body in check. Shepard was eating. One hand on his sandwich, one hand holding the small and basically nondescript remote in his palm, fingers rolling through the settings one by one, in what seemed to be a more or less random fashion. But for all that he was multi-tasking, his gaze was hard on Kaidan's, watching every reaction.

"I thought you were hungry," Shepard said, smirking at him. 

Kaidan turned his chin so that he could glare back at the commander. He set his jaw and glanced down at the plate. And as usual, he was more or less starving, and he didn't have the extra calories to spare. He pried a hand off the table and lifted the steak sandwich, bringing it to his lips. Knowing Shepard as he did, he almost expected the pulse that shot through him just as his lips opened. Didn't change the fact that his open mouth let the breath he'd been holding escape in a breathy moan. Not loud enough to draw attention, but plenty loud enough to send Shepard's nostrils flaring and Kaidan's cheeks burning. 

He tore off a bite, chewing resolutely. Then he flicked an eyebrow glancing down at the sandwich. It was good - really good. His usual fare of tasteless protein bars made for a sharp contrast with civilian food.  
"Mmm," he said more intentionally, taking another bite. The jus he dipped it in ran over his fingers as he bit down, and he chased the droplets with his tongue rather than dig out a napkin. "Good sandwich," he added, glancing at Shepard. But the commander had left his own sandwich dangling from his hand while he watched Kaidan lick some of the jus off one of his fingers.

Two could play at this game, he realized, licking a second finger more slowly and watching Shepard's eyes track the movement.  
He took another good sized bite, tipping his head back and sighing as he chewed, savoring the flavors.  
"Mmm," he reiterated, dipping his sandwich in more jus and snagging another chunk. He chased after a trailing droplet that ran down his wrist. His breath caught, tongue outstretched as the vibrator changed settings again and his eyes fluttered closed as he slipped the droplet into his mouth. 

He heard Shepard's sharp intake of breath.

He bared his teeth slightly, brushing their edges over his skin, biting down on the muscle-padded side of his hand over another stifled groan as the vibration steadily increased in intensity. He was getting past the point of caring what the server would think when she brought their drinks. In a moment he was going to become unable to resist rocking his hips against the chair he sat on to try and push the toy a little deeper, to increase the stimulation just a bit more, just enough to push himself over the edge to come right there at the table in the presidium commons. 

He dropped the sandwich haphazardly back to the plate, spilling the meat and bread open. As he gripped the edge of the table again he took a slow shuddering breath. The sounds of public chatter washed over him, loud and vivid. He looked Shepard in the eye and spread his lips over a tightly controlled exhale, flicked a challenging eyebrow. For all that Shepard had been the one to instigate this game, he had a feeling the commander didn't quite realize that Kaidan would do it, and do it without hesitation. Then slowly he began to tip his head back.

Abruptly the vibration stopped. Kaidan sank back in his chair with a shaky breath, cock throbbing hard against the tight band of his trousers. 

Shepard turned, signaling the waitress with a sharp gesture. "Box this up to go please," he said to the young woman as she came over.

Kaidan couldn't help the smirk that ran over his lips.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 5 Songs:  
> 12: Innocence (Original Mix), Nero  
> 13: Ghost, VNV Nation  
> 14: Sulfur, Katatonia
> 
>  

The next 17 minutes were both a blur and an agony. 

Getting from the café to the docking bay, and onto the Normandy. Getting past the ubiquitous demands for his and Shepard's attention along the way. Waiting for the indecently slow elevator to get them up to their cabin, to tear the layers of clothing off his body.  
It was still an agony, actually, though everything was suddenly back into focus. Shepard was pressed tightly against his back, the soft folds of his clothing scraping against Kaidan's bare skin. He slipped his rough palms around Kaidan's ribcage, dragging him tighter to his chest. Kaidan's hands gripped Shepard's fingers dipping between his knuckles against the straining tendons as he arched his back and lifted the curve of his ass up against Shepard's crotch.

Shepard ground against him reflexively, his mouth hot against the curve of Kaidan's neck.  
Kaidan groaned, rocking his ass more firmly against Shepard's crotch, the friction pressing firmly against the toy. His hands dropped from Shepard's towards the hot skin of his erection, skin flushed with the strength and long duration of his arousal. 

He managed one rough stroke before Shepard murmured, "Uh-uh," fingers chasing after him, clasping his forearms and jerking Kaidan's hands back roughly. Kaidan groaned in frustration, resisting for a moment the grip Shepard had on his wrists pulling them away from his dick, denying him the relief. Shepard kept pulling, and abruptly Kaidan found his hands snugged against the curve of his spine. 

Shepard switched his grip to one hand, which was sufficient as Kaidan was only giving a token resistance, which lessened further at the change.

Kaidan looked over his shoulder when Shepard leaned away towards the pile of Kaidan's clothing on the floor. It didn't take him long to figure out why Shepard was slipping his belt from the discarded trousers.

He felt his heart-rate spike as the cool synthetic material pressed against the flushed pulse of his wrist, then was wrapped and re-wrapped around them and then slipped through the clasp and pulled tight before the seal was engaged.  
He could hear the ragged breath Shepard drew as he sat back to admire his handiwork.

It was tight. Probably too tight. But as Kaidan tipped his head so he could look at Shepard over his shoulder out of the corner of his eye, he decided to hold his tongue. For this time at least. The fascination and excitement that peeked out from behind Shepard's stoic features was not something Kaidan wanted to spoil. And Kaidan didn't mind the direction this was heading, even if the execution left something to be desired.

Despite all Shepard's apparent confidence, the impulsiveness of the move gave Kaidan a feeling this particular route was one Shepard hadn't spent much time exploring before. As in not any. The commander's hands trailed almost reverently over the twisted ripples of skin and muscle of Kaidan's back and arms before he drew back from the bed.

Kaidan shifted his weight, lifting his shoulders to re-settle them a bit more evenly against the restraint. The motions pressed the vibrator inside him in an insufficient way that had him choking back another moan at its almost-there torture.

Shepard turned the curved living-chair to face the bed, never taking his eyes off Kaidan as he slowly sat back on the ribbed cushion. Kaidan gazed a him with narrowed eyes. 

He retrieved the remote and held it loosely in his palm, lips parting in anticipation as his thumb dipped against the controller. Kaidan looked up and tensed in anticipation of another burst of sensation, but to his surprise, there was nothing. He was just turning his head back towards Shepard when the vibration shot up suddenly and unexpectedly.

"Fuck," he spat, arms jerking reflexively against the restraint as his hips tensed against the increased vibration. His cock bobbed at the motion, isolated and under-stimulated but harder than ever. The very fact that he _couldn't_ touch himself made it that much worse. And that much better. He turned a feral grin on Shepard before tipping his head back on another frustrated moan when the vibration shifted again. For a while, he just knelt, arousal at Shepard's mercy, body shaking with the strain of the pleasure shooting through him.

But he wasn't going to give up easily. 

He turned so that he was at the foot of the bed, slipping his feet down so that he could finally put more pressure on the plug end of the vibrator, pushing it against his insides. His muscles clenched around the object as he shifted. He rolled his hips, grinding himself down on the toy, then lifting forward slightly. The motion sent his cock swinging between his spread thighs. He lifted his chin defiantly, enticingly as he locked eyes with Shepard. 

For all of Shepard's outward cool, Kaidan could see the way his nostrils flared as he repeated the rolling motion. Shepard had one hand on the clasp of his trousers, pulling the fabric aside to finally free the bulge beneath it. Kaidan made a hum of pleasure as Shepard stroked his length up, pushing at it so it jutted up from his hips. He tilted his head back, eyes still trained on his lover. His other hand held the remote. But having the control in his hands didn't preclude Kaidan's own efforts. 

Kaidan watched as he notched down the intensity, felt the vibrations lessen inside him. His nostrils flared in frustration, determination as he flexed his thighs more, driving himself harder against the toy inside him.  
Slowly the vibration started increasing with his thrusts, his eyes hard on Shepard's thumb, stroking the control in his hand, stroking his dick in time with Kaidan's movements. 

Kaidan's cock strained against the motion, the bobbing doing nothing but reminding him how tightly his hands were bound behind his back, how much he wanted to touch himself, to take that last bit of pleasure to take himself over the edge. But the vibration inside him, nudging oh so occasionally against _that spot_ , the flush of his chest and throat choking him as he fucked himself on the toy in front of Shepard... He sucked short breaths through his teeth as the vibration ratcheted up again. His dick slapped loudly against his thigh as he thrust and rocked.

He was getting… he was almost...

Abruptly the vibration stopped, throwing Kaidan off his stride. The orgasm slipped through his restrained fingers like so much water. He practically growled in frustration, falling back against the sheets, cock slapping against his belly as he landed. "Shepard," he said, voice low and tight.

He blinked away the haze of pleasure, twisting his head on the sheets to look back at his lover. Shepard was staring at him, lips parted over shortened breaths as he stroked himself. Kaidan groaned again, cock throbbing, begging him to do something, _anything_ , about it. He shifted awkwardly with his arms bound behind him, till he could roll onto his side, touch his heavy cock against the cool folds of the bedsheets and then press it more firmly against the mattress. Finally, sensation where he needed it. And then he heard Shepard groan, and he twisted his neck so he could watch Shepard watch him. Even still, Kaidan was caught off guard when the vibration came back on suddenly. 

He shoved his hips against the bed, sliding his cock against the fabric repeatedly. His eyes were too unfocused to really look at Shepard, but he could still understand the low sound vibrating in his lover's throat, the quick and sharp motions of his forearm in his peripheral vision. 

He was past caring about control, or how he looked now, humping his hips against the sheets, mouth open over the gasping breaths he managed. And this time, Shepard didn't cut off the vibration, didn't hold him back as he fucked the surface of their bed to his peak. Hours of pent-up tension ripped through him, strangling his breath through each glorious shudder. His feet slipped and scrabbled against the edge of the bed as he thrust hard against the mattress, gasping as he came. 

Eventually he stilled. The hot liquid of his come smeared against the sheets, against his skin, cooling rapidly. The sweat on his brow felt tacky against the sheets as he moved his head so he could breathe more easily.

The pulses of tension, of his body straining against the exquisite pleasure of the fall were over. The vibrations inside him, the racing of his heart, the pain in his wrists and shoulders… those remained. He twisted his head to gaze at Shepard, who was still stroking himself, still staring at him with narrowed eyes and flared nostrils. 

The vibration was too much now that he was spent, the sensitivity of his body pushed past its limit. He groaned, shifted his hips in discomfort. It only made it worse.

"Shepard," he managed as he rocked over on one shoulder, bracing his forehead against the wrinkled sheets. 

The commander didn't reply. Kaidan could hear the sound of his palm against his dick, moving faster and faster.

The sensation of the vibrator inside him was overwhelming. He wasn't hard, but there was this thread of response, of burning hot pleasure pushing its way through the base of his cock. It was almost painful. And yet it was pleasurable.

He groaned again, the muscles in his shoulders burning with the angle as he shifted again, trying to get up onto his knees to relieve the pressure against his sensitized groin.

When the vibrator changed settings suddenly he cried out, surprise and pain and pleasure all mixing into a throaty sound. His hips clenched involuntarily, body tightening further around the toy.

"Shit," he hissed, chest heaving and abdomen tightening in erratic spasms. 

The noise he made when the vibration changed again was close to a sob, one which was echoed by Shepard's stuttering moan. He couldn't even concentrate enough to turn his head to watch Shepard come, though he listened to his abortive attempts to breath and the erratic slickened sound of his hand dragging out the last moments of his orgasm.

Finally he heard Shepard sigh, voice sounding content. Moments later the vibration cut out. Kaidan was still breathing hard against the sheets as Shepard stood and came over to the bed. He took advantage of Kaidan's positioning on his knees to take hold of the vibrator and withdraw it gently. Kaidan's body shuddered at the sensation, still gripping after the invasive shape. Then Shepard's fingers moved deftly against the belt's closure, releasing the seal.

Kaidan hissed as the binding strap of his belt came loose from his wrists and blood-flow returned suddenly to his hands. He sat up, settling his feet on the floor and setting his wrists on his thighs. His shoulders ached faintly from being restrained in that position so long. He bit his lip against the pain and took a shuddering breath through his nose, staring down at his lap.

"Kaidan," Shepard said, his voice bright with alarm as he sat swiftly beside Kaidan, gazing down at his hands. The skin had gone a deathly blue-purple from lack of circulation. Now it was flushing crimson as the flow returned in a rush to profuse the flesh.

Kaidan took another slow breath before he turned his chin slightly to glance at the commander. Shepard actually looked a little upset. God, that was a terrifying expression to see on his face.

"Hey, it's okay," Kaidan said, smiling slightly at Shepard as he leaned his shoulder against John's chest as a proxy for putting a comforting hand on him. His hands weren't exactly available at the moment. He flexed them slowly, then began kneading gently at the skin 

"Kaidan," Shepard repeated, voice deepening with admonishment, lifting his hands to cup under Kaidan's where he rubbed the blood-flow back into them. The overall redness was fading but the deep lines dug into his skin in horizontal strips would stay red until they purpled in bruises. In a move that had Kaidan's lips parting in surprise, Shepard dipped his head and touched his mouth to Kaidan's skin, once, faintly. 

"I didn't mean to hurt you," Shepard said quietly, fingers touching Kaidan's skin with feather-light gentleness.

"You didn't. Not really," Kaidan said, tipping his head against Shepard's shoulder.

He could almost hear Shepard's frown, but the commander said nothing and simply slipped an arm around his waist and held him.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 6 Songs:  
> 15: Remain Nameless, Florence + the Machine  
> 16: Shine, Depeche Mode  
> 17: Surrender (Single Version), Depeche Mode  
> 18: Walk Away, Mad At Gravity

After weeks of hard running, chasing leads through the most reaper-infested territories, Kaidan ought to have felt the cohesion they'd once felt on the SR1. The pressure was certainly there, the fate of the galaxy resting in their hands. Half the old crew was there. Garrus, Liara. Tali had even sent him a message via Liara of congratulations on his spectre status and his return to the Normandy, though they had yet to come across the intrepid quarian in person. Adams, Joker, Chakwas. Their presence should have made him feel at home. And the new crew were friendly enough. Traynor and Cortez were plenty welcoming, speaking to him in friendly conversation when it was convenient, being efficient and effective when he worked with them on mission-focused topics. 

But Kaidan felt like he was being kept waiting. Waiting for the break-in period to wear off, to be trusted with more responsibilities on missions and on board the Normandy. But he was still getting treated like a junior officer when it came to Shepard. And that tension was spreading into every aspect of his life. He felt less and less at home in the cabin, and on the Normandy in general. 

Instead of demonstrating that he could be trusted to handle whatever Shepard could throw at him, that encounter seemed to make Shepard more... protective. Constrained. Though the experience had been pleasurable and memorable, it had also set off warning bells for Kaidan. It was one thing to have rough sex. It was another thing to become subservient to Shepard. Though it hadn't really been about dominance, there had certainly been those threads there. One game, one session of bedroom play was one thing. Seeing those threads spreading into their general sex life... that was another. 

And it seemed he wasn't the only one aware of the strength of the episode. Shepard had grown even more controlled and cautious since then in the bedroom as well. They didn't foray into bondage territory again the next while. In fact, their sex was getting somewhere near a place called _normal_ verging on _habitual_ which was really just code for _boring_.

But ok, it took _two to tango_ as the saying went. He was _letting_ Shepard take the lead a lot, and if he wasn't completely satisfied with how things were going down, he needed to change that himself. To show Shepard that he could take the lead. Perhaps it was best for him to do so privately. Let Shepard know he wasn't satisfied with the way things were, but do it where it wouldn't interfere with the mission. 

So the next time they docked with the Citadel, Kaidan went on his own private mission. When he left the Normandy for the afternoon, his passage was hardly noticed. But when he came down the neck of the Normandy, his movement caught Shepard's attention. As did the bag in his hand. Perhaps, in fact, because of it. As he'd hoped it would. It was a plain bag, a flat grey with no visible markings. Discreet. Its very discretion was actually a give-away - at least to certain people in the know. People like Shepard.

Discretion was still in order, so he kept the bag casually at his side and ignored the commander, heading straight for the elevator and leaving him to his conversation with specialist Traynor. Still, he wasn't surprised when Shepard stepped through the door to their cabin only a few minutes after he had. In fact, he'd been waiting for just that, leaning against the bulkhead just inside the doorway.

"You free for a bit?" he asked, tilting his head to watch Shepard's eyes track over his crossed arms to where the grey bag was hanging from his fingers.

"I am," Shepard replied, stepping closer with a slow curve to his lips. 

"Uh-uh," Kaidan said when Shepard reached for him. "My turn," Kaidan murmured, hands coming up to grip hard on Shepard's waist, reversing their positions and backing Shepard up against the wall of the empty fish tank just inside their quarters. 

" _I'm_ going to fuck _you_ , Shepard," he said, pinning Shepard hip-to-hip against the cool polymer of the aquarium wall. 

There was a frisson of nerves in his abdomen as he asserted himself. There was a chance this would all blow up in his face. And it wasn't just him taking charge. It was also the bag hanging from his fingers. Then again, they weren't "small steps" sorts of people.

The light in Shepard's eyes was one of anticipation, of pleasure. Far more focused and intent than they had been ever since the last time they'd stopped at the citadel. Kaidan honestly hadn't been sure how Shepard would react. He still wasn't sure how he'd react.

He drew the first item from the bag at his wrist, rubbing the soft fabric between his thumb and forefinger as he showed it to his lover.

A serious gamble to ask blindness of someone who liked to watch as much as Shepard did. Then again, for someone as private and controlled as Kaidan, walking around the citadel with a vibrator inside him whose control was at someone else's whims… yeah. As much as they weren't "small steps" sorts of people, they weren't exactly "take the easy route" people either. 

Shepard's gaze narrowed at the sight of the blindfold and he tipped his head back against the wall, gazing down through his lashes at Kaidan's face. It was a long moment as he considered. Kaidan waited. 

Eventually Shepard flicked his eyebrows as if acquiescing with a shrug. Kaidan sighed a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding and slowly lifted the strip of fabric to spread between his hands and press gently to Shepard's eyes. He smoothed the band over Shepard's features, then around the back of his head. The smart-cloth technology molded the band to his head for maximum comfort and grip, sticking to itself where Kaidan folded it over on the back of Shepard's head.

He took a half-step back, gazing at his handiwork. Shepard remained where he was, pressed back against the wall. His body was tense. His throat jumped with his pulse, his hands were splayed against the wall as if holding him up, or clinging to its surface. 

When Kaidan touched his hip, he jolted, breath sucking sharply. He relaxed only a moment later, but it had Kaidan hesitating. 

"Okay?" Kaidan asked quietly, rubbing his thumb in a slow circle on Shepard's waist.

Shepard took a slow breath and then nodded. "Yeah."

"Yeah," Shepard repeated, shifting his hips slightly so that Kaidan could more clearly feel the more desirable tension there at his groin. "I'm good."

"Mmm," Kaidan replied, tightening his grip on Shepard's hips and pushing them back against the tank, following them with his own. "Good," he added. 

Carefully he dipped his head so that he could brush his lips over Shepard's, chasing his breath over his mouth and through his nose as his tongue traced the edge of Shepard's teeth, parted slightly in hesitant surrender. He trailed his lips over Shepard's jaw and down his throat to run his teeth along Shepard's windpipe. He nipped tiny little bites along Shepard's throat, and then rubbed his jaw against the curve where Shepard's neck disappeared into his uniform, sucking in a slow breath.

His hands inched up till he could get a good grip on the fabric on Shepard's waist, tugging it out of his waistband and slipping his fingers underneath to press at his skin. His fingertips dragged upwards, tracing the curves of muscles of Shepard's core with faint touches. Then, dropping his hands back from under the shirt, he reached up and undid the closures with deliberate and firm motions before he dragged the fabric from Shepard's shoulders, tossing it aside casually. 

Despite the tantalizing expanse of bared skin below the thin black blindfold, he knelt, letting his hands run down Shepard's legs, pausing for a long moment before nuzzling his face into the crease where Shepard's thigh met his hip, not quite touching his groin as his fingers tugged at the laces of Shepard's boots. Shepard's breaths were tight, faintly audible in the silence as Kaidan steadily divested him of his boots, trousers, and finally, achingly slowly, of his briefs.

When Shepard was naked, pressed against the wall, body lit by the blue glow of the empty fish tank, Kaidan paused, savoring the sight of Shepard waiting for his next step. He let Shepard stand there a moment, watching him breathe, watching his cock grow thicker and heavier by the second. Watched the muscles in his jaw clench and then relax, the scars over his cheek lit faintly from within. 

[Art by Mintsui](http://mintsui.tumblr.com/post/35501785610/art-based-on-and-created-for-trilliaths-three-hit)

Kaidan leaned forward, pursing his lips to blow a stream of air over one exposed nipple. Shepard shuddered, hips shifting involuntarily. Kaidan waited again, then dipped his head to slip his mouth over that same nipple, defying expectation and once more sending a ripple through Shepard's body. It was more tense than he'd ever felt Shepard be, pressed against the wall, head tipped back in active resistance of his fighting instincts. Kaidan felt the heat of excitement wash through his body in response.

"Bed," Kaidan ordered, stepping back and taking Shepard's hand to pull him in the direction of their living area.  
Shepard moved with confidence, even blindfolded. He reached for the railing he knew would be there, bumping his hand against it and taking a grip. He tapped his heels against each tread as he stepped down and paced forward towards the bed ahead of the major. Kaidan added a hand to his hip, guiding him the rest of the way towards the bed, stopping him just before his knees came to the edge of it. He pressed his lips to the hard protrusion of Shepard's spine at the base of his neck, then pressed his teeth into the thin skin there and ran his hands up Shepard's ribs. Making a low, approving sound, he wrapped his arms around Shepard's torso, rubbing his jaw against Shepard's shoulder. 

"You have no idea how much I want you, Shepard," Kaidan said.

The breath that Shepard took was sharp and pressed his chest and ribs against Kaidan's grip. His throat was still tense. He didn't reply. Kaidan slipped his hands back down to Shepard's hips and gave him a small nudge forward. 

"Lay down," Kaidan murmured, letting go so he could do so. 

With a small noise of agreement, Shepard reached out into the air, then stretched out on the bed in front of him, and Kaidan tilted his head to savor the sight of his lover waiting for him, naked save for a blindfold. He tossed the bag down onto the bed beside Shepard, reaching for his own clothes. Shepard might like to sit back and watch, but Kaidan had other plans today - namely, the taut span of Shepard's backside.

He stripped his uniform off, piling it on the floor near his side of the bed. Shepard lay still, waiting for him, fingers spread against the cloth of the bedspread. He didn't have to wait too long though. Kaidan was soon naked to match, and climbed up onto the bed behind Shepard, slipping his limbs over his lover's skin, letting his cock hang below him and drag along the inside of Shepard's thigh.

Shepard was tense, but his lips were parted in anticipation, head turned as though to look over his shoulder. His breath wasn't quite steady, which was a significant deviation from the norm. 

Kaidan touched the tip of his tongue to a freckle that sat on the curve of the point where' Shepard's neck met his back. He let his hand ride up to splay over the back of Shepard's head, pinning it against the covers and exposing his neck even further. Then he opened his mouth over that freckle and closed his teeth over the muscle, biting firmly as he rocked his hips again, rubbing his length against the taut muscle of Shepard's ass.

He was hard, and getting harder by the second. The intensity of his desire to take his turn, to push inside Shepard's body and have his fill... it was overwhelming. There was just one more thing.

He ran his palm over the curve of Shepard's shoulder, over the lines of muscle in his triceps and along his forearm until his fingers could close around his wrist. He pulled, bringing Shepard's hand down his side until it matched his other hand laying beside his hip. Kaidan lifted his hips to create a gap between their bodies and pulled John's wrists to the small of his back. He lifted the other item from the bag, opening it with one hand.

But when Kaidan closed the clasp around Shepard's wrist, the reaction was immediate. Shepard jerked his arm from Kaidan's grasp, dragging the cuffs with it. His hips twisted, knocking Kaidan sideways as he sat up under him, turning sharply on the bed and reaching up to drag the blindfold off roughly. 

"No," he said flatly, fingers scraping at his wrist in a harsh motion till the cuff came off and was tossed aside on the bed. 

"Shepard?" Kaidan began.

"No," he repeated. Then he swung his feet over the edge of the bed and stood, moving away from Kaidan. The blindfold fell unheeded to the floor as he paced over to the small desk beside their bed. He paused for a moment, leaning on his hands on the edge of the desk, then abruptly he moved to sit, picking up a polishing cloth and the disconnected slider from one of the pistols on his desk. His bare back flexed with the small repetitive motions of polishing the weapon component.

Kaidan sat back on his heels and gazed down at the still-healing bruises on his own wrists.  
It appeared that conversation had been closed before it had even begun. And that he had no say. _Again_.

"Huh," was the noise that layered faintly over his short exhale.

He felt the back of his throat tightening with… nausea? Anger? Grief? He wasn't sure. It was too complex, too intense for him to untangle at the moment. He picked up the discarded cuffs and slipped over to his side of the bed and pulled open the drawer of his nightstand. He placed them inside with precise motions, shutting the drawer quietly and rising to his feet.  
With silent motions he retrieved his clothing and pulled it on.  
He cast a long glance over his shoulder at Shepard's back, then turned and made his way out the door.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 7 Songs:  
> 19: Letter to Myself, Mad At Gravity  
> 20: Find The Words, Mad At Gravity  
> 21: All I Wanted, Paramore

Hours passed.

With a strange mix of shaky and rigid, Kaidan initially sought the noise of engineering, the purposeful team of people working around the clock to keep the Normandy in her best shape. They'd worked for a while, let him focus on something and put everything else from his mind. There wasn't much to do when they were just on a straightforward course away from the citadel and on to bigger and brighter things. Still, the hum of the Normandy was louder there, a white-noise generator of epic proportion that helped keep muffled the seething pool of emotions he carried. 

So he wandered down into the privacy of the lower engine bay, despite the inadequate lighting. He mulled over the reports stacked in his omni-tool inbox, sitting on a low table stacked with orphaned crates and datapads and old spools of wire. There was always work to get done. Always data to put a new set of eyes on.

And when the red glow of the light got too annoying, when his jaw ached from too much clenching and the words in the reports blurred before his eyes, he wandered some more, pacing the darker corners of the ship until he found himself in the starboard lounge. The hum of the Normandy was still faintly audible, but there was a visceral quiet there. He sat and stared out the window, hands nerveless in his lap. He didn't go back up to the cabin, even though exhaustion tugged at him. He didn't go to the CIC or the war room. He couldn't.  
Which would seem melodramatic if it had just been a "no"... But it wasn't _just_ a no. It was a symbol of a much bigger problem. One he didn't know how to handle.

So he watched the stars, watched the faint flickering of their distant light. 

Hours passed.

Eventually the doors to the starboard lounge swished open, and Kaidan cast an automatic glance over his shoulder. It was Shepard. Of course it was.

The twist in his abdomen was, predictably, complicated. Relief. Dismay at the profundity of the relief. Frustration and embarrassment. Anger. Yeah. Definitely some anger there. Kaidan just turned his head back to facing out of the huge window, elbows resting on his knees, hands dangling loose between them.

Shepard paced forward, coming to stand in the center of the room, just inside Kaidan's peripheral vision. He slipped into his natural parade rest, hands folded at the small of his back. His posture was erect yet it was relaxed in the manner only a longtime soldier managed to effect. He gazed out at the same vast emptiness as Kaidan.

There was a long, tense silence, just the sound of the Normandy vibrating faintly around them. The faint echoes of crew moving about the deck. Kaidan had both everything and nothing to say. So he said nothing, jaw clenched as he rubbed the edge of one of his thumbs against the side of the other. His head ached with tightly-bound emotion.

"My parents," Shepard said abruptly. "Mindoir," he added. He didn't turn his head, just stood, staring outward.

Kaidan glanced at him in careful scrutiny, not following the apparent non-sequitur.

Shepard opened his mouth to say something, to explain further, but nothing came out and he gazed down at the deck, frustration edging onto his otherwise cool features.

And then it clicked. Just like the cuffs had around Shepard's wrist. He'd read the file; John's family and friends being bound with brutal batarian slave gear, being led away or slaughtered right in front of him. And Kaidan was well-versed enough in galactic culture to know that batarian slave culture was… Well. That the reports off Mindoir probably didn't even explain the half of it, considering how Shepard responded. He knew about Torfan. He'd seen first-hand when Shepard had chosen to sacrifice civilians in order to stop the batarian terrorist Balak on asteroid-X57. And though he'd had full access to the file on Aratoht, he knew there was always more to a mission than could ever be captured on paper. He'd heard all the ugly accusations being thrown around after the destruction of the batarian relay. 

He wasn't sure they were all wrong. The thought of it made his stomach turn. 

Still, being cuffed…  
"I see," Kaidan said, frowning down at the deck. His head _ached_. He sighed, fingertips pressed to his eyes as he mulled it over. Kaidan felt a wash of empathy for Shepard's reasons… but that wasn't all of it. If it were, he would be merely feeling disappointment, sympathy, and probably a bit of frustration. Not anger. Not loss. Because while it explained his particular response in this instance, it didn't explain the rest of it away. The dismissals. The disparities.

"I should have asked first," he said quietly, because it was true. 

"That would have been better," Shepard agreed with a nod.

Not that Shepard asked first. Ever. He knew it was never going to be easy with Shepard, but… He'd been trying for _so long_.He'd been fooling himself into…

He couldn't even finish his thought. And then he knew for certain the migraine was about to land. The throbbing behind his temples was getting steadily worse. A wave of nausea hit him, making him dizzy with pain. He pressed his face into his palms, rubbing at his brow. After a moment he realized that Shepard was speaking.

"… discuss some boundaries if-,"

"Shepard," Kaidan interrupted, voice low and rough. Shepard fell silent immediately.

He steeled himself, all his energy focused on dealing with the pain that was radiating from inside his skull. He stood mechanically, relying on muscle-memory instead of his compromised balance. "We need to pick this up another time," he said as he turned, gripping the edge of the couch for stability as he moved resolutely past Shepard and towards the door, free hand shading his eyes from the suddenly too-bright lights of the Normandy.

Shepard was silent behind him, though he heard soft footfalls follow after a few moments. He closed his eyes and dragged his hand along the wall for stability, trying to shut out the painful stimuli just a little. Shepard caught up to him quickly.

"Kaidan."

Kaidan ignored it and made a steady march past the elevator and to the right. He heard Shepard's breath pull in with understanding behind him. Shepard's footfalls stopped.

Vega and Garrus were near the mess, trading barbs that were loud enough to be as physically painful as their namesake to Kaidan as he made his way into the med-bay. It was a bad one. Going down to engineering had been a mistake. The sound of the med-bay doors opening was enough to make him wince. 

One glance at his face was all Dr. Chakwas needed, apparently. She was far too used to his problems to need much in the way of words. She simply set him up on one of the beds and went to prepare a dose of medication for him. He knew the meds weren't likely to help much, but at least the med-bay was one of the better-shielded areas of the ship. The hum of the engines was quieted to a near silence. The voices and tread of the crew were gone. The lights were bright, but he knew that would change. Here he could relax and ride it out. He climbed up onto the smooth surface of the med-table and folded his legs, waiting for the doc to prepare his medication. But as he waited, he gazed through the windows opposite him, saw when Shepard approach Vega, coming to stand beside him and initiate a conversation.

The commander, speaking to the lieutenant, in the little corner across from the med-bay. 

A disembodied sense of déjà vu hit him as the lieutenant turned to face the commander, scrubbing a hand over his collar-bone as he gave Shepard his undivided attention. For all that the lieutenant played it close to his chest, the excitement under his stoic features was undeniable as the commander spoke to him. Eager. Full of potential and vigor. 

Chakwas came over, footfalls light on the deck, naturally graceful as she settled the trans-dermal injector against his bared arm, dosing him with what he assumed was his standard medication for combating migraines. He just stared out the window, watching as James jerked a thumb towards Garrus who was walking away towards the main battery again, shaking his scarred head. 

The lieutenant said something to the commander.  
It made Shepard laugh.

Kaidan had to concentrate on his breathing as a new wave of pain hit, trying to steady his heart-rate as the accompanying wave of nausea hit and the pulse thundered in his head. Abruptly the lights dimmed and the windows went opaque, shutting him off from the view of the galley.

 

"Try to get some rest, major."


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 8 Songs:  
> 22: Onward Into Battle, Katatonia  
> 23: Gravity, A Perfect Circle

It was a long, quiet shuttle ride. They sat in their usual slings, one on either side of the shuttle. But instead of the typical pre-mission banter or discussion, they maintained a steady silence. Cortez didn't break it, though it was his custom to join in on some of the pre-game chatter. Only the quiet "ETA: 10 minutes" came through from the cockpit. And you didn't need to be as perceptive as Steve was to notice the tension in the air. It fairly buzzed like a high-power eezo-conduit. Kaidan might as well have had his barrier up.

When they had headed to the armory, both of them had ignored the curious looks cast their way by Vega at the pair of them. You needed three people for a basic fire team. You just did. 

So when nobody else stepped off the elevator, when Shepard had replied to Garrus's coms inquiry with a curt negative, the lieutenants looked understandably confused. But neither Vega or Cortez pushed the issue. 

It wasn't the mission. The target was a Cerberus data cache. Not heavily fortified, not something they couldn't handle. But you needed three people for a basic fire team. You just did.

Kaidan hadn't slept up in the cabin. The first night he'd spent in the med-bay, naturally enough since he'd been dealing with the aftermath of the migraine. But the next night…  
He'd kept out of Shepard's path the entire day, burying himself in reports and the like. And then he'd slept in the starboard observation lounge, datapad in hand as if he'd just fallen asleep accidentally instead of making the deliberate decision not to go upstairs. He'd showered in the crew showers and had gone straight back to the war-room after gulping down some protein bars in the mess.  
He hated his cowardice.

When he'd gotten the message on his omni-tool about the mission, he'd gone up to the cabin. Shepard had been there, already dressed in his armor. He'd sat at his desk while Kaidan suited up, rattled off mission information. They hadn't spoken otherwise. Not then. Nor as they'd equipped their weapons. Nor on the way down to the planet.

The pair of them dropped from the door of the shuttle in silence. No words or hand signals were exchanged as they chose a pair of obtuse vectors and paced quickly away from the drop point into cover. Ten-meter gap to reduce the tactical efficacy of grenades or rockets. Opposite lines of sight to maximize detection. The shuttle disappeared in a rush of dampened engines, barely disturbing the peace of the desiccated moon colony. They marched away from the drop in perfect coordination. They had been soldiers too long to do otherwise.

Heads on swivel. Arms at the ready.  
They covered ground fast, intel suggesting they had at least a half-mile of ground to cover before they would be near enough to the installation for any trouble to mount. Didn't mean they weren't extremely vigilant. They stacked at each corner, leapfrogged each clearing, always silent. Any hand signals were made and read as an automatic process

Finally Shepard broke the silence.

"EDI says the Cerberus team is using the building across the square as a base," he said, and the point flashed on the display from his omni-tool. 

"I want you to take that path," he said, pointing at the narrow column of stairs that curled up the side of the abandoned building up to the veranda that overlooked the square beyond the building. The patio appeared to be for the remnants of a burned-out restaurant visible in the scattered tables with the skeletal remains of sun-shade umbrellas sticking up from them like dead trees. 

It was just an operational order, but with the silence broken it was like the whole dam holding whatever was being crushed up between them had been cracked. He could feel the rush of emotions and words burbling in the back of his throat. Shepard's presence changed too, meeting his eyes for the first time when Kaidan glanced at him. His eyes were hard and more thoroughly shielded than an atlas.

"Go up to the top and get a good vantage. If you can, distract them with some biotics from a covered position. Use throw or lift if possible. When they break cover I can take them out."

Kaidan felt his frustration welling over at the order, cursing under his breath as he turned to go follow it. 

"Something wrong major?" Shepard, voice edging into the supercilious in a way Kaidan had never heard it do so before. Oh yes, hackles were raised on both sides. 

He should just say no and go do his job. He should march away and follow the mission. But he couldn't. He was locked stiff where he stood. Because it wasn't just the mission. It was that there were _two_ of them out there on the mission when there should be _three_. It was the fact that they didn't need the words until _Shepard_ suddenly decided they did.  
And most of all, "you know, I _know_ how to flank a target and provide covering fire, Shepard," Kaidan snapped, words finally making it to the surface as he turned back to his lover. 

"Damn-it, Kaidan, I _know_ you _know_ ," Shepard growled back, turning to face him abruptly and striding over till they were almost touching. "That doesn't fucking change the fact that I am leading this mission and that I gave you an order _because that's what I do_."

When Kaidan opened his mouth to argue, Shepard cut him off.

"And it's not because I don't trust you, or because I don't think you'll do it already, or just to fuck with you."

Kaidan hissed a breath through his teeth, appalled. He knew they weren't talking about the order. Any soldier knew that a good leader made even the most obvious, the most mundane orders explicitly clear to avoid any confusion.

"I'm a Spectre, Shepard," Kaidan said, voice low and lethal. "A _Spectre_. The second human Spectre _ever_. And, ok, I'm not you," he said and laughed bitterly, pacing away and checking the perimeter automatically as he continued speaking. "But I ran my own company back in biotics division. I didn't come back here to follow you around like a mobile turret. Maybe you should try and remember that I'm not the lieutenant," he said, implying his past self and the specific personage that was Vega both in one word. He huffed a tight sigh, shaking his head, swallowing back the nausea and concluded, "Because if you can't tell the difference, there's not really any point in my being here, is there?"

When he turned, Shepard was staring at him. The look on his face almost resembled dismay. But Kaidan couldn't take back what had been said. And even if he could... well. John was quiet for a long moment, then he spoke.

"I'm not wasting your time or mine. I don't have the time left to waste" Shepard murmured, voice holding a resigned rather than bitter edge that twisted something deep in Kaidan's chest. "I have good reasons for my choices. I didn't think I needed to explain each of them to you."

"You don’t," Kaidan said voice tight with frustration. "It's not...,"

He sighed and then gave up the pretense of the discussion being about the mission. "I'm not mad you said no. Of course you can say no," Kaidan said, voice suddenly weary as he scrubbed a hand over his face and turned away, scanning the surroundings again for any targets.

"I just... I need to know, to feel that sometimes you will say yes. And I don't mean to whatever idea it is I've dreamed up. I need you to say yes to _me_. And that sometimes _I_ could say no without… without having to worry about being court-marshaled for insubordination."

To his credit, Shepard didn't respond immediately with platitudes or emotion. He frowned, eyes tracking over a distant point as he worked his mind over Kaidan's words. His hands strayed over his rifle, checking the clip automatically while he considered his response.

Eventually he heaved a tight breath, and said "Understood."  
Like a soldier acknowledging an order.

Kaidan gazed at him a long time, then cleared his throat.

"Up to the veranda. Gain a good vantage. Distract them with biotics from cover. Aye-aye," he said. At the commander's nod, he turned, quick-stepping it across the courtyard for the stairs, knowing Shepard had him covered.

 

The first courtyard went to plan. The second one did not.

The centurion's fire-team came out of nowhere, catching Shepard by surprise on the second floor walkway he'd been traveling along. Though he blasted the centurion back with a burst of rifle fire, and tossed a grenade inside the wrecked store-front that was their outpost, the bash of a tenacious guardian's shield sent him over the broken railing and crashing down into the courtyard below, costing him the high ground. 

The very courtyard they'd been trying to flank from above, to get a good vantage on the huddled Atlas and centurion squad who'd been guarding the large computer terminal in a building just off the square. He saw the small cylinder get tossed after him. He felt the heat and vibration of his own grenade going off above him, hopefully taking out the centurion and his grunt. A blast of purple energy flew over his head as he fell, and he saw the shield go flying, heard the sharp report of Kaidan's pistol taking out the guardian in precise shots.

Shepard landed hard against the edge of a low concrete wall, his left ribs taking the brunt of the blow. The breath rushed out of him on a low groan over cracked ribs. The grenade clattered to the ground just a few feet away from him.

"Shit," Shepard hissed as he tried, and failed to roll to his feet. He tried again. Exposed, a spray of enemy fire erupted from further down the courtyard, the now-alerted targets hitting him with a fast barrage of weapons-fire. 

"Shepard!" Kaidan cried, the word spilling unbidden from his lips. His subsequent motion was just as involuntary as he leapt up, darting out of his position to sprint across the wide-open expanse between him and the commander. He grunted as rounds fizzed and pinged his biotic barrier.

The commander's shields fizzed and then shattered in a static-filled snap of blue discharge. He twisted as a projectile tore through his armor, fell back against the concrete wall which had just been the perpetrator of deep injury as it was the only cover from enemy fire available. Not that it mattered, since the grenade would more than make up for that before he could get anywhere. A dead-man's eyes turned on the major.

"No," his mouth formed, not that Kaidan could hear him over the sound of his own breath and the snap of his shields and barrier. It didn't matter. It was too late. He was too close to change course. The grenade was too close to exploding.

Kaidan dove into a roll, shoulder hitting the ground sharply but smoothly, and in a half-second, he was kneeling next to Shepard, throwing his arms over his sprawled form and concentrating hard on his barrier. 

Shepard was gasping for breath over cracked ribs. Fresh blood smeared his armor in places where the last volley of rounds had hit. The look he turned on Kaidan was etched with pain; pain for the physical, and for the knowledge of Kaidan's presence.

"Damnit Kaidan," he growled, gazing up at him with those crystal blue eyes, just as the grenade exploded.

High explosive. Kaidan felt the heat of the flames licking at his barrier, the world around them going white and amber and gold as he gazed down at Shepard, body shaking from the effort of holding back the blast. The light reflected in Shepard's eyes as they stared into his. The noise was overwhelming, drowning out the world around them.  
Kaidan gasped out a raw, shuddering breath against the pain exploding inside his skull.

As the flames faded, he sagged with them, weight slipping unevenly and coming to rest against Shepard's sprawled form. But his barrier held. He shifted his hips so that he fell back against the concrete, breathing through the sensations. As much as he could. One side of his nose was dripping blood.

Shepard used a leg and one arm to drag himself over, and Kaidan fumbled for and grabbed a blood-spattered shoulder to help the commander right himself against the concrete beside him. 

"Centurion's squad is at two o'clock," Shepard wheezed as he reached for the heavy sniper rifle that had landed a couple feet away, dragging it towards himself. "You should be able to get a few. I'll take the mech," Shepard said gritting his teeth against the pain as he heaved the weapon up to brace against his knee. His motions were stiff but efficient as he ran his hands over the weapon, checking that the fall and the blast hadn't damaged it. There was a faint fizzing sound as his shield generator recovered. Checks complete, Shepard gestured in his omni-tool interface and started building an overload charge with a steadily increasing whine.

Kaidan concentrated on keeping his breath steady and his barrier up as he squinted through the smoke to where the enemy was advancing. Shepard lined up his shot through the wavering purple of Kaidan's barrier, looking down range to the atlas as it neared. It was almost in position to launch a rocket at them. They had no way to get to better cover in time.

The major nodded: Do or die.

"Kaidan," Shepard said quietly.

Kaidan looked over at him for a moment, studying his features. But they only had the smallest of windows to spare. He dropped his hands, the barrier snapping out of existence. His shields sparked as the nearby troops saw their opening. He threw the very dregs of his biotic energy in a last-ditch ball at them, swinging up his pistol in the same smooth motion, getting off a fast volley of shots. One centurion fell, helmet buckling under the force of several pinpoint rounds. 

The sound of the Atlas exploding made Kaidan grin as he took out another Cerberus grunt with precise fire. But then his shields snapped, outnumbered by the opposition laying down heavy fire, and then failed. He felt the round pierce his thigh with a sense of detachment. With no shields and no barrier, only his armor stood between him and the slugs, and the Cerberus soldiers were outfitted with heavy-duty rounds. Another ricocheted off his shoulder, scarring the polymer and sending slivers flying. The wound in his thigh wasn't superficial. Though he focused on trying to keep firing, he felt the cold buzz of blood loss dragging at his throat. 

They were so close, he thought wistfully as his aim faltered. The next round glanced off his armor. The third grazed his bicep. His shots went wide, his arm too unsteady from the biotic exhaustion and wounds of the fight, of keeping his barrier up for so long.

So close. At least he would see it coming. 

He'd always wanted to face it head-on. 

He-, 

But as the centurion adjusted his aim at Kaidan's head, he froze, jerking sharply then crashing to his knees and toppling in a crumpled heap. There was a ringing sound in Kaidan's ears. The centurion's head was gone.

He slumped back against the concrete wall beside Shepard, gazing down at the sniper rifle that slipped from the commander's knee back to the ground with a heavy clatter.

"You hit?" Shepard asked, voice gruff with pain as he glanced over at his lover.

Kaidan inspected the hole in his leg from which blood was pooling fast on the concrete ground. He ground his teeth against the pain as he prodded the wound. The pain was enough to push back the cold edge of numb that was threatening to wash over him.

"Through 'n through," he muttered, then cracked open some medi-gel over the wound to stop the bleeding. "You?"

"Same," Shepard replied, hissing as the cool medi-gel flooded his cybernetically-enhanced body more directly.

They sat in silence for a few long moments, letting the medi-gel do its work, listening to each other's breathing and the strange silence of the battlefield.

"Well how about that," Kaidan mused, tipping his head back against the wall. Shepard made a sound that was somewhere between a snort and a laugh. Kaidan turned his head over to look at Shepard, smiling faintly at him. Shepard returned the look, smiling slowly at him. Really smiling, his eyes crinkling and mouth slipping open to reveal the hint of teeth behind his lips. It was arresting, seeing that softened expression on his face. A rarity.

It was soon over, John's features re-arranging themselves into his more customary hardness. A hardness that was more suited to the blood and dirt smeared over his skin. But he paused, a pensive edge on his face.

"You know, don't you?" Shepard asked, voice blunt as he gazed hard at his lover. "How I feel about you?"

Kaidan gazed at him with narrowed eyes for a long moment. God it was the longest moment. And then his face went quiet as he stared, as he opened himself completely and watched Shepard do the same. His breath caught when he did, when he heard the words Shepard didn't say and knew without any doubt that he felt the same.

Then he lifted his chin defiantly, smirking faintly before he eased forward, slanting his mouth over Shepard's in a firm kiss, a kiss that held all of his feelings, all of his need, and all of his exhaustion too. It was over quickly and he turned his head, pressing his stubble-worn cheek against Shepard's, lips brushing close to his ear.

"Understood," he murmured, then nipped Shepard's earlobe before pushing back and giving him a soldier's slap on the shoulder as he stood unevenly on one leg.

"Come on. Let's get the hell out of here."

Shepard's eyes were tight and the corner of his mouth curved upward as he looked up at Kaidan. The major extended his forearm and the commander took it, letting Kaidan help lever him to his feet. 

Kaidan favored his left leg as they walked, and Shepard had his left arm tucked tight against his ribs. But he wrapped his right arm around Kaidan's waist, and then Kaidan was slinging his left arm over the back of Shepard's neck, and together they stumbled towards the rendezvous point.

And a couple of waiting glasses of whiskey.

 **End**  
Continue to [Rest and Reviction](http://archiveofourown.org/works/559840/chapters/999306)


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